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Note: Larry Tong originally
presented this workshop on December 27, 2001 at the WCCCC Winter
Conference.
Dealing With Conflicts Within
the Church
Conflicts within the Church body
can be very painful. Resolving differences among people or
policies is never easy. Instead of ignoring these problems in your
church or fellowship, learn how to get the proper Biblical
perspective. This workshop will provide you with the tools to help
you mend fences and build bridges.
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INTRODUCTION
Church Conflict: An Oxymoron!
In theory: you can’t put the two words together.
In Reality: you see too many conflicts within churches and fellowship
groups all the time.
Reason: when you put two people together, you’re bound to have
disagreement. Unfortunately, many view disagreement as conflict, which
is a wrong concept.
This workshop is not designed to provide a comprehensive way to
resolve conflicts because the topic involves many issues. This is
designed to direct our attention to self-examination. Too often we try
to change others instead of self, which is not a healthy way to resolve
conflict. Before the close of the workshop, I’ll provide a practical way
to work through a conflict should it be one arising during a meeting.
“The Bride had been fighting again!”
Imagine this picture: The spotless groom stands at the front
anticipating the bride to walk down the aisle. The music is on, the door
swings open, and here comes the bride. But to everybody’s surprise and
the groom’s disappointment, the bride walks down the aisle with a torn
wedding gown, a black eye, and a bleeding nose. Some of the guests are
whispering: “The bride had been fighting again!” This is a picture when
church fights. Our Lord is the perfect groom waiting for the perfect
bride to walk down the aisle, but the church had been fighting so much
and left with so many bruises on the body. This is a picture of the
damaging effect in church conflict. (Story told by Charles Swindoll)
Discussion: name some of the damaging effects in Church Conflict:
We need to know the serious implications before we are willing to take
steps to learn to resolve conflicts. Instead of being reactive, we
choose to being proactive and minimize unhealthy or negative conflicts.
What is the Central Message of the Bible?
RECONCILIATION: Men are to be reconciled with God, and with each other.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; and old has
gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to
Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that
God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men’s
sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of
reconciliation.” (II Cor. 5:17-19)
God assigned the “message of reconciliation” for us to deliver. We
should not “preach” the message to bring people to church, teach them to
grow in the Lord, and then hurt each other by unwilling to reconcile
when conflict arises. We need to lay down our arms against each other,
and join forces together in the fight against the true enemy, the devil.
PRINCIPLES
I. “ WHENEVER THERE IS LIGHT, THERE ARE BUGS”
Depending on how you handle disagreement or conflict, it may better you
or bitter you.
After pointing out the danger of church conflicts, is it the right thing
to do to let people walk all over us for the sake of unity? No, it is
unhealthy to agree if you disagree an issue for the sake of peace and
unity, because that would only lead you to lose your integrity in the
process. Don’t resolve to the deadly, dishonest silence that often
precedes an outbreak of more bitter conflict later on. Disagreement is
not the problem. Unable to handle disagreement is the real problem. In
fact, disagreement can be healthy because it will bring out a better end
product. Therefore, we need to accept disagreement is normal and to
learn the “Art of gracious disagreement.”
You don’t need to feel guilty just because you disagree with another
person or you’re involved in church conflict because conflict comes when
there are frictions. Regardless of how people may paint a perfect
picture of peace and harmony, reality is that trouble is unavoidable.
Conflict will come. It comes to the best of churches, to the best of
spiritual leaders, to the best of church boards, and to the best of
friendship.
Never compromise the Truth or your Integrity!
II. “THE PROBLEM IS USUALLY NOT THE PROBLEM”
Disagreement over issues is usually not what causes us to walk all over
one another. Disagreement is not what causes board members to erupt in
anger during a meeting. The real problem is why and how we are
disagreeing. Until we are honest with ourselves to get below the surface
issues to the unseen motives, we have not even begun to deal with the
problems that are dividing us. And until we get below the unseen motives
to the underlying beliefs that form them, we will still have a very
shallow approach to resolve conflict.
Disagreeable Issues -> Unseen Motives -> Underlying Beliefs
Issues: What we are agreeing or disagreeing about.
Unseen Motives: Why we are agreeing or disagreeing, and whether we are
for or against one another.
Underlying Beliefs: What we believe about God, our circumstances, and
ourselves. These beliefs shape not only why we are disagreeing but also
how we are doing so.
James 3:13-16, “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it
by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do
not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down
from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you
have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil
practice.”
II Tim. 2:24-26, “And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he
must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose
him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them
repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will
come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has
taken them captive to do his will.”
(I John 2:9-11) “Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his
brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the
light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever
hates his brother is in the darkness; he does not know where he is
going, because the darkness has blinded him.”
From the above Scriptures, we may draw the following application:
Our differences might be important. Our concerns might be critical. What
we need to see is that issues do not cause conflict. Unless we are
willing to go deeper into looking at the “Unseen Motives” and the
“Underlying Beliefs”, all the techniques you learn would just be piece
meals. They won’t help to build you into a healthy Christian.
To cultivate relationships that can enjoy the freedom of healthy
disagreement, we need to develop an understanding of Unseen Motives.
Unseen motives can cause us to deliberately look for trouble—a
battleground in which you can jump into. He made it clear that if he
resents the recognition that someone else is getting (envy), or if you
are committed to getting ahead at the expense of others (self-seeking or
selfish ambition), you have a hidden agenda that will shape your
approach to disagreement.
III. “HURT FEELING IS MOSTLY WOUNDED PRIDE”
When we have unfulfilled desires (people disagreeing with us), our
natural response is to fence up barrier. From James’ point of view, this
kind of self-protection should be viewed with great caution because it
produces confusion and evil (James 3:16). It is evidence of unfulfilled
and frustrated desires (James 4:1-4). But even more important, this kind
of self-protection is a symptom of a wounded pride that causes us to act
as en enemy of God (James 3:17—4:6). Wounded pride says, “I deserve
better treatment than I’m getting. I’m justified, therefore, in taking
matters into my own hands and doing whatever I have to do to beat back
those who are against me.” Wounded pride says, “No one knows my needs
better than I do, and if I don’t take care of myself no one else is
going to.” Someone relates this attitude as “the warning light.” If we
don’t react to it on time and with the right remedy, it will turn in
“the red light”—Anger. In this case, Anger is an external outburst of
internal dissatisfaction of Wounded Pride.
Just a couple of Scriptural references to remind us of the importance of
humility:
Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you
should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of
others”
I Peter 5:5-7 “Young, men, in the same way be submissive to those who
are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one
another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but give grace to the humble.’
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift
you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for
you.”
A FEW GODLEN NUGGETS TO CONSIDER:
• God’s bigger plan comes before my own selfish ambition
Know your role: to minister to people’s need, not to promote your
agenda.
• Unless I’m willing to change my lens, I will always have problem
Challenge yourself to accept that you “could” be wrong.
• Set things in their proper order
How important is the issue?
• Ask “Why am I so angry?”
We can’t solve problems with our heart (emotion); we must use our head.
• Communication! Communication! Communication!
Communication is everything! It is not only what you say; it is how you
say it.
One word to remember if you really want to radically minimize Church
Conflict in a long run:
* * * * Change * * * *
Watch: Our inclination is to change others, but in order to minimize
Church Conflicts, we must be willing to change OURSELVES!!
A Model to Resolve Church Conflict: An Acrostic—PRAY!
Pause:
when disagreement arises during a meeting, the first thing to do is
to pause. This is contrary to our normal behavior. Our normal
reaction is to defend, argue, and attack.
Repeat:
Repeat what you heard. Sometimes what you heard was not what it
meant. In this process, you repeat what you heard, and make sure you
have the right fact. So many times, people argued for a long time
and later realized they actually agreed on the same thing, but the
points were misunderstood.
Ask:
ask questions to find a mutual solution. Brainstorm to see what is
the best solution for the problem. Talk about the pros and cons. Ask
what can be compromised. Ask to see if there is a middle ground.
Yield:
when a final decision has been reached, you must be gracious enough
to yield. Don’t try to find another opportunity to bring it up
again. Don’t complain, and most importantly, don’t gossip!
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Above all, PRAY. Put everything under the
proper perspective for the sake of the Gospel.
Some helpful materials:
- The Bride by Charles Swindoll
- Developing the Art of Gracious
Disagreement—surviving Church Conflict by RBC Ministries
- The Christian’s Handbook on
Conflict Resolution by Greg Sumii, Providence House Publisher,
1998 by California Southern Baptist Convention
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