I. CHOOSING A MATE – BASIC ASSUMPTIONS

A. Our desire for love comes from God!
Marriage is God’s idea!
Most people will marry.

B. God’s plan is: Master, Mission, Mate.
We are designed for these three relationships.

C. The world as its manner of relating to the opposite sex, and God has His!

D. Only two kinds of relationships in the Bible, between opposite sex, same age:

• Brother-sister (I Timothy 5:1,2)
• Marriage partners (Ephesians 5:22,23)
• Nothing on dating, per se.

E. Basic Principles:

1. Look to God and God alone to give you a marriage partner.
Genesis 2:18; Genesis 24; Proverbs 19:14 (Living Bible)
“A father can give his sons homes and riches, but only the Lord can give them understanding wives.”

Master, Mission, Mate, as a sequence.

2. Focus on God and His Kingdom, not on marriage.
Make God your greatest desire.
Matthew 6:33; Philippians 2:20,21

3. Give yourself to building God’s Kingdom, not to finding a mate.
Develop your gifts, abilities, character.
Find out who you are – how God designed you.

4. Do not live only for the future (marriage).
Enjoy God’s present will (singleness).
I Corinthians 7:27,32-35.
Demonstrates your contentment with the Lord’s will; Christ is Lord.

II. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE/HE IS THE ONE?

Very difficult to find in Scripture! Character is the issue:

A. Devoted believer
II Corinthians 6:14-18
Ephesians 5:25-29
Titus 1:7-9

B. Attracted to the inner person, not just physical beauty

Proverbs 31:25-30
I Peter 3:3,4
Titus 2:7-12

C. Submissive Spirit
Ephesians 5:21
I Peter 5:5,6

D. Common Mission
Amos 3:3
Genesis 2:18
Philippians 2:1,2

E. Respect for your Person and Standards
I Thessalonians 4:1-8
Concept of “defrauding”

F. Good Communicator
I Peter 3:7-9
Ephesians 4:25,29-32

G. Honors God-given roles
Genesis 3:16,17

H. Genuine Love, not infatuation
I Corinthians 13:4-8

I. Walks on water
Matthew 14:25-29
Nice, but not necessary

How do you know if YOU are ready for a relationship? Be the one before you find the one!


III. HOW DO YOU KNOW IT IS THE RIGHT TIME? Difficult to find in Scripture!

A. The idea of a “right” person (God’s has one divine choice) is never taught in Scripture

1. God’s timing = godly character + godly counsel
2. Counsel comes from:

• The Word
• Inner Peace
• Prayer
• Objective counsel (parents, pastor)
• Ability and willingness to fulfill your responsibilities

B. The process (stages) of developing the relationship is in Scriptures

1. Brother-sister -- Focus on getting to now the person socially (sporadic
involvement), and in a limited way, spiritually. How does he/she interact with others?
No physical.

2. Dating – Focus on getting to know the person’s character, socially. Spiritually, still in a limited way; don’t pray a lot, together. No commitment is made here…just close friends. No physical.

3. Engagement – A commitment has been made. Continue to develop your social relationships; unlimited spiritual interaction (Bible study, prayer, etc.). Maintain serious standards and limits on possible physical/sexual interaction – you’re not married, and you may never be! Physical affection may be necessary to communicate depth of love, but don’t cross the line!
 
4. Marriage – A lifetime commitment – period! Continue to develop socially and spiritually – don’t stop dating!

A chart may be helpful:

Note: Where do we draw the line on the physical affection? Examine:

• Exodus 20:14
• Matthew 5:28
• I Corinthians 7:1 [Note: I Cor. 7:1 in the NIV is poorly translated…”marriage” should be “touch.”]

Why this sequence/process? It permits objectivity, guards against defrauding, honors God-given thresholds, and promotes a healthy future marriage. Broken trust is VERY difficult to repair. In can take decades!

IV. BEING SINGLE

Jesus talked about living life as a single: Matthew 19:12. A eunuch: someone who can be fulfilled, long term, without the need for marriage. Some people are gifted this way.

A. Why should a person explore the possibility of celibacy?

1. It is proof of your surrender to God.
2. I Corinthians 7:26 – problems of the world – it may be the best plan.
3. It may be a gift of God to you. I Corinthians 7:7. There are advantages.
4. You do not have to be married to be all that God wants you to be. Jesus was single!
5. Have you committed your “love life” to the Lord?

B. Stages in a person’s life:
Child 4 Teen 4 College/Work 4 (Marriage) 4 Work/Homemaker 4 Older Man/Woman 4  Widow/Widower.

• Question: Can you be content in every stage, married or not?
• Do no wait on marriage for direction – Matthew 6:33 is your direction!

V. MORAL PURITY – Perhaps the most important issue of our day!

Exodus 20:14, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
All sexual relationships are to be between heterosexual marriage partners.

A. The Scriptures are authoritative in the life of all people, saved and unsaved, because God is the judge of the entire earth. II Timothy 4:1,8. He reveals His will through His Word.

1. What constitutes sex?

• Exodus 20:14
• Matthew 5:28
• I Corinthians 7:1

2. God’s purpose for sex

• Deep intimate communication of love and commitment
• Physical pleasure and enjoyment
• Procreation (having children)

3. What does God condemn as sexual immorality?

Fornication: Greek: “porneia” = illicit sexual intercourse; in the New American Standard version (NASB) “fornication “ is used to translate the Greek word in Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:21; John 8:41 and Acts 15:20,29; 21:25. Sexual immorality is condemned in Scripture – nothing to debate! [See also Matt 15:19, Mark 7:21, John 8:41, Acts 15:20, 15:29, 21:25, Rom 1:29, I Cor 6:13,18, 10:8, II Cor 12:21, gal 5:19, Eph 5:3, Col 3:5, I Thess 4:3, Rev 2:14, 2:20,21, 9:21, 14:8, 17:2, 18:3,9, 19:2.]

Homosexuality: In both the Old and New Testaments, sex between same-sex partners in condemned, without question. No exceptions. See Genesis 19; Leviticus 18, 20; Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9,10; I Timothy 1:10. This sin is like all others in that it is forgivable; but this sin is unlike all others: very addictive! You will need help to get free from the lifestyle!

VI. HOW TO WAIT, SEXUALLY

• Learn God’s point of view, from the Scriptures.
• Prayerfully commit yourself to obey God’s commands.
• Write out specific, measurable standards for dating, engagement, marital faithfulness and personal purity (what you will view in the media, etc.). Write out your standards before you begin dating!
• Share these standards with a close Christian friend, especially with your Christian roommate.
  Before you change your brother-sister relationship to a dating relationship, show them (in writing) your standards and discuss each one!
• If your new dating partner disregards one of your standards, move on!
• Should you fall short in one of your standards, confess it as sin to God and to your accountability partner (roommate, pastor, Bible study leader, etc.).
• Plan your times with your dating partner, in advance, to avoid temptation (e.g., being alone at night by yourselves in a room or car, etc.)

VII. DEALING WITH GUILT AND MOVING FORWARD

Memorize one verse from each of the following concepts

• Christ paid the penalty – I Peter 3:18; Romans 5:8.
• Confession cleanses us of sin – I John 1:9
• Christ’s death has cleansed you of guilt as well as the penalty for sin – I Corinthians 6:9-11; Acts 22:16; Ephesians 5:25-27; Romans 8:31-39
• You can remain pure from now on, by God’s help – John 8:11; Romans 6-8.

VIII. APPLICATION: WRITTEN STANDARDS

Write out specific, measurable standards in all four categories, below. Then, share them with a trusted Christian friend for accountability.

Thought Life: What I will, and will not allow my mind to dwell on:



Dating: My standards for time spent with the opposite sex:



Engagement: My standards for time spent before we get married:



Marital Fidelity: My standards for purity as a marriage partner:



Note: For other papers and articles on sexual purity and marriage, write me at garystanton@juno.com 

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